If you suspect that your partner is cheating on you then this will have a major impact on your relationship and self-esteem. As long as there is no certainty, you can easily doubt and blame yourself for being unjustly jealous. Especially when the affair happens abroad finding evidence is often very difficult.
Uncertainty about whether your partner is faithful to you takes a lot of energy. It can even go so far that you are not able to do your job well, or to be a good parent for your children. Therefore, do not walk around with this devastating frustration caused by uncertainty.
Luc (42): Sarah and I have been together for ten years and about six years ago we got married. We have two sons. For two years now Sarah has a new job at a large international company. She is working on a project in which she cooperates with their colleagues of the Spanish office. She regularly goes to Madrid for meetings and trainings. At first I was very happy for her that she got this opportunity, but to be honest the last few months I am getting more nervous each time she goes to Spain. And that happens more and more regularly.
At home, I started to notice that she took her phone everywhere, even to the bathroom or shower. She never did that before. In fact, we were always careless about it. We know each other's passwords and we didn’t mind using each other’s phones to see, for example, photos of our kids. At one point I said something about it. I think I even joked something like: "Are you going to text your lover?" She had to laugh then and since then she left her phone more often on the table like before.
But something also changed in her behavior. She became more distant and self-absorbed. I felt she got irritated quickly, even if there were friends. Also she often reacted annoyed and nervous. Our physical relationship was in no way what it once was and, if we even did something, it felt like she wasn’t interested that much anymore.
Suddenly she was offline all evening when she was abroad, although previously she had always called or sent a message immediately after dinner. I sometimes tried to call her, but she often didn’t answer. Then afterwards she always said that she had another meeting in the evening, or she went for a drink with colleagues. All very opaque stories, that can’t be checked in any way. But I did notice a big difference with before when she spent all evening in her hotel room and when she always told me exactly what she was doing.
What also struck me was that she was much more obsessed with her looks. Sarah is a beautiful woman and has always taken good care of herself. But all of the sudden she went to the hairdresser more often, she started to get manicures and bought new clothes more often. Which she mostly didn’t wear when she was with me. They were then newly put in the suitcase when she went back to Spain for a few days.
At some point I started asking questions about her behavior towards me, about her absent attitude and her inaccessibility, but she strongly disagreed with everything I said. She thought it was ridiculous to be so suspicious and she accused me of being jealous because her career went so well. But when the colleagues from Madrid were here for a week, my gut feeling turned into outright distrust. Every morning she left home almost dancing and whistling and every evening she had something to attend. That week there was not one evening that she saw the children before they went to bed. On the last evening she even came home in the middle of the night. And maybe it was my suspicion, but I'm almost sure I smelt the scent of an aftershave that wasn’t mine.
She keeps saying that I’m acting stupid and jealous every time I bring it up. For me, this situation has become untenable. Since I have no evidence but only suspicions I'm in a difficult position because there should be reason enough to throw away a relationship of ten years. And without being sure I can’t do this to our family.
Suspicions of adultery
The first suspicions of a cheating partner often arise by changes in behavior. For example, your spouse is suddenly more outgoing and sparks with energy or is acting more distant and disengaged with you. And when you realize this then other things may come up as well.
Some classic signs of adultery include:
- seeming to be absent minded constantly
- lack of interest in you
- increasing interest in your schedule
- less intimacy or connection in your relationship
- hiding cell phone use
- taking phone calls outdoors or away from you
- being more often away from home
- working longer hours at work
- spending more time at the gym
- paying more attention to appearance
- a change in spending habits
- spending more time with friends and colleagues
The impact of (suspicions of) adultery
When trust has been lost in a relationship, it can cause a lot of tension. The effects can even lead to chronic stress symptoms so that you can no longer function normally. The stress that comes with it is also a burden for children.
We can help
As difficult as the consequences may be to both parties infidelity is very common. Often the unfaithful party is not honest about it if someone else is involved. It is difficult then to figure out whether your suspicions are right. Especially in stories like that of Luc, where someone might have an affair across the border and far beyond sight. It is then very hard to determine if there is indeed a relationship. Having only presumptions can give a lot of stress. Therefore it is important to put an end to the uncertainty. As long as the adulterous partner denies infidelity it is not easy to take any steps. Either to restoring the relationship or ending it.
Borderless Investigations helps to gain clarity whether adultery is taking place or not – also across borders. It does not always mean that the outcome of the investigation confirms your suspicion. If the result is that there is no question of cheating, this can have a very positive effect on your relationship. This knowledge gives room for trust again and a strong foundation for your relationship.
However, if the suspicion is confirmed, we can provide advice on next steps. About how you can confront your partner, what your options are and what to share with your children, family and friends.